"I saw a scarecrow having a wank in a field today, impossible, I thought, surely he's just clutching at straws!"

'13/04/2010'

      

"My wife bought some jeggings.

I said, "What are they then?".

She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings".

I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt". "

'17/03/2010'

      

"My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.

I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.

"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?" "

'17/03/2010'

      

"BBC News: Girl of 14 years working in a lap dancing club.

Lucky bitch, all I could get at that age was a paper round? "

'17/03/2010'

      

"Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one. "

'17/03/2010'

      

"Why are parking spaces like girls at parties?

If you get there late all the best ones are taken, so when no ones looking you stick it in a disabled one!"

'11/02/2010'

      

"I bought a deodorant stick, the instructions said remove top and gently push up bottom, in casualty now but my farts smell lovely!!!"

'11/02/2010'

      

" A survey recently revealed that most women want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse.

However, a simultaneous survey revealed that almost all of the men matching those criteria also want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse."

'12/01/2009'

      

"Just flown back into the UK, couldn't understand why they wanted my email address when I passed through the new full body scanner, funny but when I got home I had 20 penis enlargement emails waiting for me!"

'12/01/2009'

      

"I woke this morning and after looking out of my window and seeing snow everywhere I realised I'd be stuck at home.

I fucking love being unemployed. "

'12/01/2009'

      

"My mate has been a little short of cash recently, and I knew I could help him out and have a little fun at the same time.

I proposed that I give him money for some 'quality time' with his girlfriend, he already knew I fancied her quite a bit.

He wasn't having any of it, until I mentioned my offering rate was £500 an hour. He grudgingly accepted, and after finally convincing his missus, I was ready to go.

I warmed myself up before we even began, she lay down on my bed, I came on her face within 4 seconds, walked up to my mate and gave him his 56 pence.

I've never seen someone react so badly to 'You do the math...'"

'12/01/2009'

      

"Q:What's the useless skin around the vagina called?

A:A woman"

'22/12/2009'

      

"An Irish woman had to be chucked off who wants to be a millionaire for masturbating. She did'nt quite understand fastest finger first!"

'22/12/2009'

      

"Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house."

'16/11/2009'

      

"Todays top tip - dont confuse laxatives and viagra, it makes you shit in bed!"

''

      

"I've got my first cage fight next week, the fucking budgie wont know what's hit it!"

'16/11/2009'

      

"What do a girl's arsehole and a 9 Volt battery have in common?

You know it is wrong but eventually you'll put your tongue in it!"

'3/11/2009'

      

"I have just been turned down for the next series of Dragon's Den.

Apparently, my idea for Scratch N Sniff porn is not in keeping with BBC guidlines on good taste."

'3/11/2009'

      

"Yesterday I was horrified to find out that my son has been taking drugs.

I gave him a good clip round the ear and told him that he has a week to replace them."

'3/11/2009'

      

"It's always difficult texting someone to tell them one of their loved ones has passed away - especially when your name is Lol. "

'3/11/2009'

      

"I posted this joke three weeks ago.

Fucking Royal Mail."

'3/11/2009'

      

"My girlfriend loves it when I fuck her in the arse. She loves it when I pull out and shoot my spunk down the back of her throat.

She loves to lick my cock clean afterwards with her tongue.

She then has the bloody nerve to call me a dirty cunt when I don't wash my hands after going for a piss!"

'13/10/2009'

      

"When it comes to anal sex, my girlfriend is really dirty.

And that's because she doesn't wipe properly."

'13/10/2009'

      

"I've invented a new sex position. The Tolkien. She bends over and I take over 9 hours to destroy her ring."

'13/10/2009'

      

"Whats worse than having diahorrea in the bath?

Having diahorrea in a swimming pool."

'13/10/2009'

      

"Necrophillia

The urge to crack open a cold one"

'6/10/2009'

      

"The DVLA have withdrawn the number plates F4 GOT and D1 KES from auction, for fear they may offend homosexuals.

Yes, because if I want to offend a queer, I’ll drive round town with faggot written all over my car."

'6/10/2009'

      

"I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car."

'6/10/2009'

      

"I was stuck on the bus for fifteen minutes today.

Some dumb chav girl refused to pay her fare, claiming she had left her Oyster card at home, so therefore she should be able to travel for free.

The bus driver refused to move until she paid her fare, and the stupid bitch refused to get off the bus.

Every other passenger on the bus was giving her daggers, but she didn’t give a shit.

Finally, I couldn't stand it any more. I got out of my seat, strode right up to her, and gave her a backhander across the face.

The force of the blow sent her tumbling out of the bus, sprawling onto the pavement.

"How dare you hit a defenceless woman!" she cried. "Where's your fucking conscience?"

"I left it at home", I replied, as the bus drove off without her."

'30/09/2009'

      

"I went into some public toilets today and was surprised to find them in pristine condition. As I closed the cubicle door, I noticed a sign saying 'please leave these facilities in the same condition that you would expect to find them'. Reluctantly, I smeared my shit over the walls, pissed on the floor, then left with the toilet roll."

'30/09/2009'

      

"The government say that benefit fraud is costing every household in Britain about £60 per month. Nonsense. I'm up 300 quid a week."

'30/09/2009'

      

"I like my women the same way I like my tea,

Weak, White and to go down easy!"

'30/09/2009'

      

"I shagged my wife "doggy style"last night. I only lasted 5 minutes,but,hey,that's 35 minutes in doggy years."

'22/09/2009'

      

"Is it cheating if you accidentally shag your girlfriends twin. He looks a bit like her from behind."

'22/09/2009'

      

"Anyone else found that the worst part of being caught wanking by your girlfriend is explaining that its technically her fault? "

'22/09/2009'

      

"Finally it dawned on me why womens wedding dresses are white...

'Kitchen appliances'"

'22/09/2009'

      

"What is the best way to avoid getting dog shit on yourself?

Use a condom."

'22/09/2009'

      

"Q: WHAT DO A GYNAECOLOGIST AND A PIZZA DELIVERY MAN HAVE IN COMMON?

A: THEY CAN BOTH SMELL IT, BUT CAN'T EAT IT!"

'17/09/2009'

      

"Q: What’s the difference between

a blonde and a mosquito?

A: When you slap a mosquito it

stops sucking!"

'17/09/2009'

      

"Don't you just love all the free porn sites like Pornhub, Redtube, X Videos, Tube 8, Movies And, X Hamster, Empflix, Mofo Sex, Porn Rabbit, Hard Sex Tube, Tnaflix, Spank Wire, Deviant Clip etc?

No, Well i bet you will now."

'14/09/2009'

      

"My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out."

'14/09/2009'

      

"My missus says I'm sick, stupid and immoral.

She's obviously the stupid one for believing I'll live forever."

'14/09/2009'

      

"My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me.

I have to admit, he is pretty good."

'14/09/2009'

      

"I was clubbing the other night and I was totally pissed. I walked up to this beautiful blonde and said, "Duck my sick!" She said, "You're pissed - don't you mean suck my dick?"

I puked on her and said... "No!" "

'14/09/2009'

      

"I soothed the oil around the skin of heavenly softness, proceeding on to find a grasp of the firm right breast, followed by the tender left, and thought to myself........

........Yep, the roast chicken is coming along nicely."

'3/9/2009'

      

"Isn't it funny how polite you become when you've nearly just been caught wanking?"

'3/9/2009'

      

""Strap-on" spelt backwards is "No-parts""

'3/9/2009'

      

"Today, my girlfriend called to say she's learned a new trick with a packet of ping pong balls and her pussy.

I rushed round to find her playing table tennis with the cat."

'3/9/2009'

      

"the Dole

the money is shit but the hours are fucking fantastic"

'3/9/2009'

      

""Shredded Wheat. Nice with Strawberries"

Hats off to Kellogs for pairing their shitty flavourless cereal with a fruit that tastes nice, and referring to the combination as 'nice'."

'19/8/2009'

      

"When you spend all that money on bottled water, do you ever wonder if you're just forking out for plain tap water?

Well don't worry, you're not - I work in the factory and I regularly piss in the bottles."

'19/8/2009'

      

"Be honest, how many of you piss on the dry porcelain part of the toilet so it makes less noise?"

'19/8/2009'

      

"At least once in a mans life, he will flush the toilet half way through a piss and try to race the flush."

'19/8/2009'

      

"My kid got a letter off his teacher on the first day back at school:

"Dear parent, If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.""

'19/08/2009'

      

"They say you only get an 'OO' with Typhoo.

Not true. I get one every time I slip a finger into my birds arse during sex."

'17/8/2009'

      

"A woman walks into the kitchen.

Seems an ideal situation, right? Wrong.

Why wasn't she in there to start with?"

'17/8/2009'

      

"Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term "Surprise sex". "

'17/8/2009'

      

"Old men forget things in a specific order.

First they forget faces and names, then they forget recent activities.

Next they forget to wash their hands after going to the toilet.

Then they forget to do up their zip after going to the toilet.

Finally, and worst of all, the forget to undo their zip before going to the toilet."

'17/8/2009'

      

"She stole my heart, so I took her kidneys!!"

'17/8/2009'

      

"I got mugged yesterday. I was walking along, minding my own business, when this guy just ran straight into me from behind! It knocked me a bit and I stumbled and tripped. He then jumped on my head, stole my gold ring and just ran off at full speed!

If anyone sees a blue hedgehog with red trainers on could you beat the shit out of him for me? "

'17/8/2009'

      

"RE: EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology to be used will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention."

'14/8/2009'

      

"I went for a suit fitting this morning.

It was going well until the guy got shirty with me."

'14/8/2009'

      

"I can't wait to get the results of my AIDS test back. I'm extremely confident i've got the all clear, cos even the doctor said the results are positive!"

'14/8/2009'

      

"For years an old schoolmate was always hitting on me for money, until one day I'd had enough. He came to me and said "Come on mate! A hundred's not going hurt you is it?" And I said "No, it’s not. But for a grand I can make sure you never walk again""

'12/8/2009'

      

"A bloke got arrested and charged for calling a Police Horse gay.

If I was his lawyer I would have got him off.

In all fairness, the horse was on all fours naked with a uniformed man on his back..."

'12/8/2009'

      

"My son is a lazy bastard always sitting on his arse. I've got half a mind to confiscate his wheelchair."

'12/8/2009'

      

"TOP TIP: When you're girlfriend asks, "Does my bum look big in this?"

Never reply, "The dress or the room?""

'12/8/2009'

      

"We used to play Spin the Bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either give you a blow job or give you a pound. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."

'12/8/2009'

      

"I read somewhere that, if you get stung by a jellyfish, the best thing to do is piss on it.

I was on the beach last week, and a jellyfish stung my leg. So I pissed on it.

That ought to teach the little cunt."

'10/8/2009'

      

"How do you make your girilfirend scream when you're having sex?

Phone her"

'10/8/2009'

      

"They say that women are better at multi-tasking than men. It's certainly true if the porn films I watch are anything to go by."

'10/8/2009'

      

"I was watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' last night and I couldn't help but think to myself that, if I was on the show, I would definitely use 118 Directory Enquiries as my phone-a-friend option."

'10/08/2009'

      

"Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them".

They will be expecting you to join them, so you'll have the element of surprise."

'10/8/2009'

      

"I ordered a pizza the other day. They told me that if they didn't deliver it within half an hour, it's free!

So I hung up without giving them my address."

'4/8/2009'

      

"Im so straight, when I brought my first house I bricked up the backdoor I like this!"

'4/8/2009'

      

"I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this fucking bird shit off my bonnet. "

'4/8/2009'

      

"I put the into lazy..."

'4/8/2009'

      

"A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions"."

'4/8/2009'

      

"Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend says shes going on your computer?"

'3/8/2009'

      

"The quickest thing on earth is a man about to get caught watching porn!"

'3/8/2009'

      

"While browsing porn do you instantly delete the tab if the porn star looks exactly like someone in your family?

Me neither."

'3/8/2009'

      

"You know you have got a problem with porn when you can recognize the performers even without looking at their faces."

'3/8/2009'

      

"I just got busted by the misses for all the dwarf and midget porn on my laptop. Fortunately I think I've managed to convince her it's just because it takes up less space on the hard drive."

'3/8/2009'

      

"Paddy takes a girl home from a night club, while they're having sex the girl asks paddy to do 69.
"Wha the fuck is that?" asks Paddy
"It's great says the girl please just do it"
"Oh ok ill give it a try" Says Paddy
so he's licking her out and she's sucking him off when all of a sudden she lets of a massive fart.
"Holy Jesus what the fuck was that?" asked Paddy.
"Nothing, said the girl, please go down again"
So Paddy goes down a again and again she lets of a massive fart
"What the fuck was that"? asked Paddy
"0h nothing, said the girl, please go down again.
"Ok last chance", said Paddy.
So Paddy gets back down and they get back to it when the girl lets off yet another massive fart.
"Right thats it!" says Paddy getting up.
"Oh no please go back down!" says the girl.
"Fuck that! said paddy, I am not going down for another 66 of those fuckers!"

'30/07/2009'

      

"So, Yesterday I was arguin with a Police Officer, and i said Will you arrest me If i call you a cunt? He replied "Yes of course I will" So then i asked him. Will you arrest me for thinking that you are a cunt? the officer replied. No, Son. i cant do anything about that.

So, i replied. Okay, then. I think your a cunt..."

'30/07/2009'

      

"Scientists are now saying that there is no difference whatsoever between organic food and products grown by conventional methods.

I beg to differ, how about the price, cunts..."

'30/07/2009'

      

"Forcing a woman, who doesn't want to, to give you a blow job is like trying to push a football underwater.

Very difficult and if you let go you might get a smack in the mouth.."

'30/7/2009'

      

"I rammed an ice lolly up my arse earlier.

It was Fab."

'28/07/2009'

      

"Going to an all-you-can-eat buffet without an appetite is like going to a brothel without a penis."

'28/07/2009'

      

"Why do they call it Alcholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Steven, I'm an Alcholic"?"

'28/07/2009'

      

"Wise Scottish saying:

Ne matter how much ye shake yer peg, the last wee drop runs down yer leg."

'28/07/2009'

      

""

''

      

"When i was a kid, people used to say that God sees everything and watches me.

Now I'm mature and I know for sure that google is watching."

'27/07/2009'

      

"It's been reported that there is a lack of sperm donors in the country.

Expect to see the following advertisement in local papers

WANKERS NEEDED A.S.A.P"

'27/07/2009'

      

"My new girlfriend said she thought I was sweet.

Hopefully later tonight she is going to find out I am actually pretty salty."

'27/07/2009'

      

"I went out on the town last night and I didn't pull, but as I was walking home I saw a big fat tart pissed up laying on the pavement. I took her knickers off and started shagging her. I was immediately pulled away and arrested.

I never even saw the chalk line round her body."

'27/07/2009'

      

"My girlfriend said I should let my feminine side show a bit more often. So I reversed the car into a bus stop, shouted at her for no reason, spent two hours in the bathroom - coming out looking exactly the same as I did when I went in - and checked her entire text inbox.

She wasn't amused."

'27/07/2009'

      

"A man is driving down a deserted countryside road. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a police man pulls him over.

POLICE MAN: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"

POLICE MAN: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."

GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"

The police man pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.

POLICE MAN: "Well, do you want me to FUCKING STOP OR SLOW DOWN?""

'23/07/2009'

      

" DIY Tip of the Day:

If you have a naked woman on all fours with cum dripping from her pussy and both corners of her mouth, what does that tell you?

Your floor's level."

'23/07/2009'

      

"3 parrots for sale. £100, ££200 and £15, a woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. 2 daughters come home, parrot says "fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me Keith i havent seen u for weeks!""

'23/07/2009'

      

"This hot ass girl came over to myspace last night, she twittered my yahoo till I googled all over her facebook. Ask Jeeves..."

'23/07/2009'

      

"Some people turn to God.

Me, I turn to vodka.

I dont see the difference; im still guided by a spirit."

'23/07/2009'

      

"THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRYTALE.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after."

'23/07/2009'

      

"Maths teacher asks Essex girl "What comes after 69?"

Essex girl replies, "You wash your face and winse your mouth with Listerine..... duh!""

'23/07/2009'

      

"A 73 year old woman was in court for streaking at the Chelsea flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for the best dried arrangement!!!"

'23/07/2009'

      

"I visited the Louvre art gallery in France last week.
I asked if it was okay to take a picture and they said it was.
I must say, the Mona Lisa looks pretty damn good on my living room wall.
"

'20/07/2009'

      

"I treat my wife like a goddess...

I'm an atheist, so I ignore her."

'20/07/2009'

      

"I bet that when gays were kids, they always tried to shove the cylinder in the star shaped hole."

'20/07/2009'

      

"Big Brother; Watching other people's lives because you don't have one! I like this!"

'20/07/2009'

      

"When I was at school, this kid ran up to me in the playground and called me gay.

I smacked the cunt round the face with my fucking handbag."

'20/7/2009'

      

"I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.

If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife."

'17/07/2009'

      

"I have just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Royal Mail has, however, proven that they do.

Congratulations.

Arseholes."

'17/07/2009'

      

"i walked into B&Q the other day and asked the lovely check out lady to help me get wood!"

'17/07/2009'

      

"You know it's a good shit when you're made to toilet spray the hallway as well."

'17/07/2009'

      

"On the weekend I like nothing better than putting on a womans clothing, lipstick and standing beside a motorway grabbing my balls and gnashing my teeth at people driving by.

One night a group of guys stopped, got out, and raped me behind a bush..

Joke's on them though, I have aids.. and most of those orgasms were fake."

'17/07/2009'

      

"I dumped my girlfriend yesterday.

The police found her though."

'17/07/2009'

      

"I just wanked myself into oblivion. The staff at Alton Towers are fucking furious."

'15/7/2009'

      

"I went to the pub last and I grabbed hold of a girl with no legs.

She went down on me straight away."

'15/7/2009'

      

"Urinals. They take no shit."

'15/7/2009'

      

"Urinals. They take the piss."

'15/7/2009'

      

"Me and a few mates went to Prague for a stag weekend.

We decided before we went, "What happens in Prague, stays in Prague."

It turns out that does not apply to gonorrhea."

'14/7/2009'

      

"You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar."

'14/7/2009'

      

"I see the annual wife carrying competition was held in Finland recently. I was thinking of entering but I don't hold a fork lift license."

'14/7/2009'

      

"A very attractive young woman came up to me today and asked me to get her a drink.

Then I remembered.

I was serving behind the bar."

'14/7/2009'

      

"How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows."

'13/7/2009'

      

"Accused to Judge: 'As the Lord is my judge, I am not Guilty.'

Judge: 'He's not, I am, you are, six months.'"

'13/7/2009'

      

"Never tell your dyslexic girlfriend to sit on your face."

'13/7/2009'

      

"What's the difference between a joke and three cocks?

The girl we met last night couldn't take a joke."

'13/7/2009'

      

"Don't you find it strange how choosy you become when surfing porn?"

'13/7/2009'

      

"Some guy just came up to me in work and said, "Did you know, people have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less."

I said, "Hmm, maybe; or, seeing that you have two legs and only one head, maybe you should think less and fuck off!"

CUNT"

'10/7/2009'

      

"I had a go on The Nemesis last Saturday.

I'm supposed to hate her, but a shag's a shag."

'10/7/2009'

      

"I had sex with my babysitter last night.

Best £3 an hour I ever spent."

'10/7/2009'

      

"I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.

After all, I'm a Libra and she's a fucking bitch."

'10/7/2009'

      

"Scientists claim they can now make sperm in the laboratory.

That's nothing. I can make loads in the bathroom."

'10/7/2009'

      

""If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame.""

'9/7/2009'

      

"I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag, they discovered I'd picked seven up."

'9/7/2009'

      

"My wife is beginning to suspect my sexual preference. Last night I tried to slip it in her rear. When she began to complain about the pain, I stupidly told her to take it like a man. "

'11/7/2009'

      

"I used to miss my wife.

But I'm taking boxing lessons, so that should soon change. "

'11/7/2009'

      

"My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.

Ha ha ha, erect....."

'6/7/2009'

      

"You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver's on."

'6/7/2009'

      

"Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."

'6/7/2009'

      

"I bought some dry roasted peanuts from Tesco. I looked at the packet and it said "Warning. Contains Nuts". Luckily, this prevented me from eating them and going into anaphylactic shock due to my severe nut allergy.

My lactose intolerant friend wasn't so lucky, as the half pint of milk he bought from Tesco outrageously contained no such warning of its contents. "

'6/7/2009'

      

" I drink 8 cans of Stella every night and contrary to popular belief it doesn't make me violent. It's just my wife falling down the stairs never stops being funny."

'2/07/2009'

      

"In the middle of an international gynecology conference, English and French gynecologists are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

Fr: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, an 'er cleetoris – Mon Dieu, eet was like a melon!"

Eng: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

Fr: "Aaah, Anglaises, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size. You are obsessed about ze size of theengs Mon Ami. I was talkeeng about ze flavourrrr!""

'2/07/2009'

      

"Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle."

'2/06/2009'

      

"I've found a great place to sit and get a great view of some nice tight cunts.

In my car in the Lidl car park."

'1/6/2009'

      

"A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.

The brother said "What should we do?"

The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."

The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"

The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM -- I only have to outrun YOU.""

'30/06/2009'

      

"I'm a policeman and i'm a PC."

'30/06/2009'

      

"I was playing The Sims the other day and decided to create myself.

It's so annoying, I keep pissing myself, constantly need food, cry because I smell so bad and can't even make friends, let alone get a wife.

Probably because I spend too much time playing The Si"

'30/06/2009'

      

"I can't listen to that Chumba Wumba song anymore after my 5 year old daughter got some of the lyrics muddled up and started singing: "I get knocked up! But I go down again!" "

'30/06/2009'

      

"I'm a binman.

Its a rubbish job but you pick it up as you go along. "

'30/06/2009'

      

"Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mum] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join""

'30/06/2009'

      

" My wife told me "Smart men make great husbands!"

I said "Smart men don't get fucking married!""

'30/06/2009'

      

"I went to Paris the other day and I visited The Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier.

My money's on him not being French."

'30/06/2009'

      

"A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."

The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?""

'NB - 29/09/2009'

      

"a man walks into asda he puts a circumcised cock on the table

'roll that one back'"

'Naughty Brits - 25/09/2009'

      

"New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15
Tub of Vaseline: £3
XL Box of Tissues: £2
The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless."

'Naughty Brits - 25/09/2009'

      

"My sister lost her virginity to an investment banker.

He was the first man to show her any interest."

'Naughty Brits - 25/09/2009'

      

"What's the best way to get spunk off a little girl's nightie?

...Seriously, I need to know before my wife gets home. "

'Naughty Brits - 25/09/2009'

      

"I watched this cracking porno earlier, "Lesbian heat". There were these 2 gorgeous lezzas in it, dripping wet and playing with each other under the hot sun, letting out loud orgasmic screams as they pounded against each other...

... or "Wimbledon" as the BBC prefer to call it."

'Naughty Brits - 25/09/2009'

      

"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."

'Naughty Brits - Archived'

      

"I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think,

'I'll fucking have that!'"

'Naughty Brits - Archived'

      

"My Mrs. asked me this morning where I was taking her for her birthday...

My black eye suggests that UP THE ARSE was'nt the right answer"

'Naughty Brits - Issue 1'

      

"The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, very nice but I think they miss understood when I said I wanna watch!"

'Naughty Brits - Issue 1'